My Sophia, my love unrivaled -

Clouds were building as I left town and I probably should have stayed there in the hotel for the night, but I wanted so badly to come home to you. The morning had been sunny and beautiful so I had walked the three miles to town that perfect fall day; I had no idea it would be flooding by dark. About halfway home it began to rain and all I could do was put one muddy foot in front of the other and think of you as I trudged my way back to you. I walked listening to the rain as it fell on and about me and I swear as it did, I could hear its steady tattoo sounding out your name.

By the time I reached our front door I was soaked and muddy and grudgingly undressed on the porch. You had seen me coming from a distance and met me at the door with a warm towel and laughter. Still damp I stepped through the door into our living room as you dried me; and as I felt you attending to me with your loving hands, I could smell the lemon-scented air from the kitchen as you baked for me.

Sitting in front of the hearth warming, I heard you singing from the next room; your voice was ascending in an almost mystic tone. Drawn to you, I took your hand as you sang of a small boat and hope and dreams and love that lived without limits and without end and thought of how we were reborn to a new life everyday. I realized the depth of what we are and understood why I am not afraid of the rain.

πάντα

It is cloudy and cool today, a perfect afternoon for a nap, so I did lay down for awhile but found I could not find sleep. Restlessness was not the problem. In fact, the truth of the matter is there was no problem. No; I just found myself doing inventory of sorts and I thought I should tell what I found in that process.

You have given me your body, people do that everyday, sometimes even if they don’t even like each other. No, you have given me your body in a special way though; as if it is mine not only to enjoy and covet, but to hold and own as my possession. Don’t get me wrong, I am appreciative of your body. It is fair, pristine, beautiful and perfect in every way and I love it as I love you; but it is not at the top of the list.

More importantly, I found that indeed you have given me your heart to possess. It is a fine heart too. Filled with love and tenderness, compassion and beauty, it is a rarity in today’s world of cynical minds. You do not know how many times that pure and perfect heart of yours has changed my day, forced me to be calm when I didn’t want to, just from watching you.

Many things of beauty I found when doing this inventory that kept me from going to sleep. Your soul holds many things that are precious and rare – love for your fellow man, sure-footed faith, tears for children you don’t even know, active sympathy for men and women who have seen the harder parts of life; the list goes on and on.

Most of all, however, I find that you have given me your love. You have not loaned it to me so that you can reclaim it at some future date. You do no withdraw it on my bad days when I don’t even love myself. You do not alter it by fad or fashion. No; you just love me and keep loving me. I hear people talk about eternity and what it means to them. I believe God has given us to each other’s keep for that duration, because when I inventory your love for me, it seem to have no indication of end.

I could not go to sleep without telling you this. Sometimes you ask me if I know you love me; I do. Today, this inventory has forced me to look more intently at that which I find. So let me say, I do know how much you love me; I am amazed.

πάντα

Sleep my loving and tender Sophia -

You were so sleepy last night, lying in my arms trying to stay awake, trying to tell me things about your day, trying to tell me your dreams, trying to tell me over and over how you love me. At times your voice was so sleepy I could barely make out the words, at times you were on the cusp of wakefulness and sleep, at times telling me to hurry or I would miss the bus, at times telling me of visions that were there before your waking eyes; but mostly telling me how much you love me.

Then you fell asleep in my arms, mumbling and muttering, saying “I love you” one last time like it might be the last time your lips could utter that sound or that my ears would be able to hear them. But my love, that can never be, you know that as well as I do; our words have been chiseled into the stone of Time itself, and though others might question them, we do not. My soul will pursue yours throughout forever’s forever and yours will pursue throughout the endlessness of eternity.

In a few minutes I will come lie down and even in sleep you will come to me as if you hear my voice in your very dreams. You will put your arm over my chest and rest your heart in my heart. Tonight, my head hurts, my back hurts, and sometimes my soul hurts; but my heart does not hurt, for it is in your care. You lavish me with such love that all temporal matters vanish like fog on a bright winter’s morning, troubles becoming even less than a memory.

So sleep now my love, sleep in the beauty of what our souls have created in this life; sleep in the purity of that holy conception. Sleep in the full clarity of Us. I love you.


πάντα

My rare and beautiful Sophia, my love -

Tonight, I am sitting here looking over the back lawn into the woods beyond. I am looking past the pecan trees, the pear and peach trees, beyond the rabbits and the raccoons that gather for their nightly feast. I am looking past life and reality to a greater life and a greater reality. In the background, I hear music inside; you are sitting in front of the fireplace listening to saxophone music, so soothing, but I am hearing you sing that little song that you sing to me every night. It makes me smile.

Tonight, I think about your voice, soft and tender, speaking to my ear and to my heart with words earnest and sincere. In my life I have learned many truths, I have sought them out and learned them; but from you I have learned there is a truth beyond truth, I have learned there is unsought truth. It is the kind that sweeps in on the wind, shaking leaves from trees, warming the heart, touching the soul.

Tonight, I am trying to remember Time before I met you, it is difficult to do, I’m sure that a great deal of it did not matter. The only thing that matters now is you and the love I feel from you. I am a common man, but a common man to be envied by kings, if they only knew – I do know. I think I will leave outdoors to the rabbits and raccoons and go inside and listen to saxophone and see if you would care to dance and sing with me this night my love.


πάντα

Sophia - My darling, my love

I find I can do nothing but think of you today in such depth that I am consumed by these thoughts. I hear your voice on the wind, see your face in the light and shadows about me, feel you in my very heart. There are times when the weight of this feeling is almost too heavy to bear, even in the joy that it brings.

As the dove coos its 3-note cry, I hear your voice calling to me in the night; you are so tired you can hardly speak, yet you force the energy to say ‘I love you’ one more time. The struggle and desperation of your effort touches my heart, it is like you will die in your sleep if you do not speak the words one more time. And although I am holding you so close that we are like one flesh, when I hear this I hold you even closer in my own desperation; fearful that if I do not pull you ever closer you might vanish in the night.

When the morning comes and the fresh and gentle light of the new day greets my eyes, I am joyous in finding you still curled within my grasp. I clutch you softly to my side and you awake, just a little for just a moment, just long enough to say ‘I love you’ again, just in case I forgot during the night, just in case the gods should steal your voice before you lips could form the sound again. As you do, a smile captures your face and you return to sleep, placing your face upon my chest, feeding upon my heart beat as I feed upon the touch of your hair.


πάντα

Sophia gentle and precious

Tonight we are apart, but the miles cannot separate our hearts or the truth of us or the pure and complete love that exists between us and resides among the stars of the night. In the mists of this night, our vision is not clouded, but is as clear as the breaking of the new day.

During this late night hour I sit quietly under the half moon (whose light is paled by the light of your beauty) and see the dew form on the grass - I feel the light breeze of late night - I hear the small creatures of the night quietly practicing the commerce of life as a small creature. In the midst of this uncomplicated night I am profoundly reminded of the passion we share with such ease. We are as honeysuckle clinging gently but firmly to the tall pine that rises from the forest.

As I close my eyes to sleep this night, it will be your face I see, not only in my waking but in my sleeping. Dreams of you are so normal that I am shocked when I have sleep and they do not appear, after all this time your face does not leave me as I sleep, just as your love does not leave me when I am away from your vision.

So sleep soundly tonight my love, my thoughts are holding you as tightly as my arms and your whisper is touching my face as gently as your fingertips in the shadows before dawn. I rejoice in being half of this which heaven has created and our Father has blessed with his smile. We rest as a creation of the love that consumes us afresh each day, ever changing but always the same.

When dawn comes, I may still be sitting here; waiting to hear your voice on the breeze and feel your gentle touch in the rising sun, thinking that if these stones could speak, the story they would tell of us and the world would be astounded.

Sleep my precious and beloved Sophia –

In the middle of the night, while you sleep, I lie here and look at you with thoughts of love and wonder filling my head. But, when the words find my tongue they often taste as seawater, salty and incomplete. They are the bloody mouthed taste of a school yard brawl on a cloudy November day,
the swirl of breeze that carries emotions through life as dry leaves in the fall, or as a small nameless bird of immense beauty who dies on the wing and falls lifeless to the ground.

Accept my offering - it is the rising of Venus, of Aphrodite, on a dark and cloudless morning, it is the purity of an infant's sigh, it is God glancing toward you with a small, warm smile on His face. Only my love can I offer you, I have nothing else, there is nothing else that would serve as a worthy gift or sacrifice to lay at your feet, at the doorway of your heart.

What touch can I find that has not been shared between us? Which flower of color so original can I offer to you that is not shamed by your beauty? Which words can I say to you that have not been spoken? Can I just say, that I love you? Will you believe me when I tell you that if some unknown ogre chained me forever in a cave in a mountain at the top of the world, that I would still love you as I did the first time I loved you?

I love you. I hold you in my heart and in my soul. Every minute of every day since I met you; it never changes, it never will. So sleep as I sit here and watch you dream. Soon I will sleep too, and I will then dream of sitting and watching you sleep. There is no room left in my soul for thoughts of anything but you.